From Cult to Clarity: A Raw Journey of Pain, Healing, and Self-Worth | ft. Davron Bowman

In this deeply personal and transformative episode of The Developing Life Podcast, Davron Bowman shares his raw and unfiltered journey from a life of control, trauma, and self-doubt to a path of clarity, confidence, and grace. Reflecting on his upbringing in a restrictive cult, the painful experiences that shaped his self-worth, and the emotional scars left behind, Davron opens up about the moments that brought him to his lowest and the revelations that sparked his healing.

This isn’t a story of instant success or easy answers—it's an honest conversation about failure, forgiveness, and the relentless pursuit of a better life. As we approach 2025, Davron offers a powerful reminder that we are not defined by our past or our mistakes. Instead, we are defined by our willingness to take responsibility for our lives, choose intentionality, and embrace the belief that we are worthy of love, joy, and purpose.

Whether you're seeking inspiration, clarity, or simply a sense of connection, this episode will encourage you to move forward with grace—for yourself and your journey. Let’s rewrite our stories together and step into 2025 with the courage to create the lives we’ve always deserved.

Transcript

00;00;00;00 - 00;00;12;16
Unknown
Welcome to the Developing Life podcast, people. Tick tick tick.

00;00;12;16 - 00;00;38;22
Unknown
Welcome to the Developing Life podcast I'm so thankful for everyone here today. Thank you for joining us. Not just today but all year. Your support, your attendance, your attention and your kindness have meant more to us as a team and more to me than I'll ever be able to express. Today's episode is going to be a little different than the ones that have come before it.

00;00;38;24 - 00;01;07;14
Unknown
The Developing Life podcast was created to explore the intersection of humanity and creativity, and I think we've done an amazing job at exploring that intersection. Up until now, it's leaned a little more towards the creative side. But today we're going to focus completely on the human side of things with the intent to end this year and begin the next with honesty, transparency, and acceptance.

00;01;07;16 - 00;01;42;21
Unknown
Moving into 2025 with clarity, confidence and grace, this is going to be a deeply personal episode. And before we begin, it's important for me to preface by saying that this episode is going to touch on some very sensitive, potentially triggering topics sexual abuse, cults, substance abuse, suicidal thoughts and actions. So if you're uncomfortable with any of those things, or if you want to experience this episode in a more private setting, now's your opportunity to make any adjustments that you deem necessary.

00;01;42;24 - 00;02;03;17
Unknown
Today's episode starts with my story, and all of me wanted to pre-record this episode and to just sit here with you as it played for several reasons one, because I don't want to put a host through such an emotional episode. Two because I didn't think I'd be able to make it through this live without breaking down several times.

00;02;03;19 - 00;02;40;02
Unknown
And three, because it's extremely important to me that I articulate everything that I want to say during this conversation in a very specific manner, which has required several moments of reflection and pausing just to make sure I'm saying what I truly need to say. It's not that I want to control the narrative of today's story, or omit anything, it's because I need to ensure that there are no excuses, no negativity, and that I'm not trying to blame anyone or anything for my life decisions and the resulting outcomes.

00;02;40;05 - 00;03;03;00
Unknown
But the theme of today's episode is moving forward with clarity, confidence, and grace. And to pre-record this to not be here simply because I don't want to show any weakness or break down in front of everyone isn't a display of any of those things. So instead, I stayed up through the night until almost 7 a.m. this morning and wrote down everything I wanted to say.

00;03;03;02 - 00;03;32;24
Unknown
And I'm here with you and present to take you through the story of my life and to hopefully inspire or comfort at least one person today. This episode, first and foremost, is about taking responsibility for my life. It's not a success story. In fact, it's a conversation about failure on so many levels. This isn't me coming to you in a moment of reflection about how difficult my life once was, but how amazing it is now.

00;03;32;25 - 00;04;03;28
Unknown
And now I'm here to give you advice. It's quite the opposite. This conversation is me being transparent and honest and vulnerable during one of the most painful and disconnected and confusing moments of my life, which I'm living right now. I'm currently in that space that so many people speak of, and that space where I want to move forward into the things meant for me, into the things I've always wanted and the chasing my dreams and living up to my true potential.

00;04;04;00 - 00;04;28;05
Unknown
But I'm stuck in comfort and familiarity. I keep choosing my past and the things that I know. This is a conversation I honestly don't want to have because I'm afraid of how it will be received by my friends, by my family. I'm unsure of what comes next, and I'm scared to be judged, to be rejected for the people I love and respect more than anything.

00;04;28;06 - 00;04;55;05
Unknown
To know me completely. How broken I am. How lost I feel, how many mistakes I've made, how many people I've hurt. But it's necessary and it is time. I know it's time because I can finally say all of these things without any malice or anger attached. It's time because I'm ready to accept that my life is, and will continue to be the result of my effort, or lack thereof.

00;04;55;08 - 00;05;21;26
Unknown
I know it's time because I realize that the only issue, the only problem, the only barrier, only restraint left in my life is me. This year, more than any other I've lived, has brought me to the realization that my lack of my absence of self-worth will continue to ruin my life, my relationships, my friendships, opportunities unless I fix it.

00;05;21;29 - 00;05;46;24
Unknown
For now, I don't even know where to begin that journey as my entire life. Everything I've ever thought about myself, everything I've ever done, chased, has been with the intent to please someone else, to gain someone else's approval or respect it. To make someone else proud of me. But a life lived in the pursuit of gaining someone else's approval is not a real life.

00;05;46;26 - 00;06;18;04
Unknown
I'm ready to change that. I'm ready to stop making excuses. I'm ready to stop blaming my past for how I'm living. My present. Even if the excuses that exist in my life are valid and they are on so many levels. I've gone through years of therapy, introspection, motivational content, support groups, and honestly, even at this point, I could continue to dig and dig to try to figure out why my childhood, my upbringing, my life experiences have fucked me up.

00;06;18;07 - 00;06;46;17
Unknown
I could continue to uncover or even make up reasons why I'm so emotionally disconnected and lacking of self-respect. But I'm not going to. Because continually reliving that pain, that trauma, those moments are robbing me of the opportunities that I have right now of my family, my friends, a potential soulmate, and all of the beautiful and kind things that the future offers.

00;06;46;20 - 00;07;21;12
Unknown
After today, my past will no longer influence who I am or the person that I want to become. It will always be a part of me, but it will never be something I run back to or use as an excuse. This episode is for all of the kind hearted and selfless individuals out there who spent all of their energy giving all of their time and attention to healing others, to uplifting others, to being a positive influence and presence, even when their personal lives and everything around them is falling apart.

00;07;21;15 - 00;07;46;00
Unknown
I see you. I feel you. And you deserve to receive the love and kindness you give to others. You don't deserve to end every day emotionally drained and isolated. You don't deserve to be alone when you're hurting and when life is crumbling around you. Just because you don't want to bother anyone else. You don't deserve to fear or be ashamed of your journey.

00;07;46;02 - 00;08;14;22
Unknown
Your story. You are deserving of love and kindness. You are worthy of receiving the support and comfort that you so freely give to others. So many people are going through such painful times in life, and society has created this stigma, this barrier, this misconception that we shouldn't share these moments of weakness. We shouldn't share our failures, the negative experiences.

00;08;14;25 - 00;08;42;18
Unknown
We need to keep those to ourselves. And I reject that completely. But I also understand how difficult and soul crushing and frightening it can be to open up. You don't have to share anything that you don't want to, because at the end of the day, it's nobody else's business. But I'm going to share my story with you in the hopes that at least one person is comforted and at least one person can avoid feeling the way I do right now.

00;08;42;21 - 00;09;11;27
Unknown
You can avoid destroying the good and meaningful things in your life like I have. My name is Dr. Ron Bowman and at the time of this recording, I'm 36 years old. Throughout my life, I have been a liar, a cheater, a thief, an alcoholic. I've spent years just being high daily. Doing anything I could do to dull the pain I feel on a nonstop basis.

00;09;11;29 - 00;09;43;01
Unknown
To quiet a mind that speaks nothing but negative and self-defeating self demeaning and judgmental thoughts. I've ruined friendships. I've destroyed relationships with such beautiful and meaningful individuals. I distance myself from family and from people who have nothing but love and kindness and support to give. I have literally run away from or ruined most of the good things and good people in my life.

00;09;43;03 - 00;10;07;17
Unknown
For the majority of my life. The greatest victory has been waking up every day and deciding to get out of bed. In all honesty, I've spent more time thinking suicidal thoughts than hopeful ones. There have been multiple times in my life where I have walked out to the middle of a bridge, and I've sat contemplating leaving this world.

00;10;07;20 - 00;10;30;15
Unknown
There have been times that I've put a loaded gun to my head, not chambered a bullet, and have pulled the trigger multiple times just to see how easy it would be to give up on everything and everyone. Despite all of the times I've wanted to give up in my life, I haven't because there's always been this tiny sliver of hope.

00;10;30;15 - 00;11;01;19
Unknown
Or maybe just wonder of what life could be. If I keep going and I can truly say that today, after conquering those moments, it's my choice to be here and to not give up. My life has not been the most difficult one, but it has also not been an easy one. Some of that has been out of my control, but most of it has been because I've never felt worthy of happiness or success or love.

00;11;01;21 - 00;11;34;14
Unknown
And to understand that, I have to take you back to the beginning of my life. Being raised as a Jehovah's Witness, which I now understand was me being raised in a cult, and even to speak that, to record that a post that is one of the hardest things that I'll ever do to publicly speak the truth about that religion, about my experiences, about the damage it causes, even though I'm a decade plus away from it.

00;11;34;17 - 00;12;00;06
Unknown
The teachings, the doctrines, the thoughts of punishment and judgment. Fear of abandonment and loss are still very real to me, and are things I still struggle with daily. In that religion, their levels of disassociation. And there's a difference between just not being a witness and actively speaking against it, which is why, even to this day, I've been scared to.

00;12;00;08 - 00;12;35;06
Unknown
Even though I've talked to friends and some family from time to time, I've never publicly spoken against it to this level after this episode. Anyone who is in my past, my mother included, will consider me an apostate. Someone who is actively defying the teachings, practices, and the people who choose to be a Jehovah's Witness. And that's okay, because at this point, I accept the real truth that I was raised in a cult and it did mess me up beyond words.

00;12;35;08 - 00;13;09;25
Unknown
I can speak those words now without any anger, without any resentment, without hate. I can speak them objectively and honestly, and I'm going to because I want everyone who knows me. Everyone I'm connected to from here on out to know all of me. There's a scientifically accurate and accepted model called the Bite model. It and it rates a cult based on its psychological, emotional, and physical control of an individual.

00;13;09;27 - 00;13;38;06
Unknown
Jehovah's witness religion ranks number 1 or 2 on that scale. The Bite model analyzes behavioral control information, will control thought control and emotional control. While I know that most people listening to this aren't and won't ever be a Jehovah's Witness. It's important that I spend a moment speaking on each of these categories to make clear the deep and unrelenting impact this court has on individuals.

00;13;38;08 - 00;14;06;26
Unknown
Especially if you're brought up in that religion like I was from the age of three. It's important to express this because being raised in a cult is so much different than being in 99% of organized religion that exists today. When it comes to behavioral control, Jehovah's Witnesses impose strict rules on personal behavior. You control your dress, your grooming standards.

00;14;06;28 - 00;14;45;01
Unknown
They force you to abstain from certain activities like celebrating holidays, birthdays, or engaging in any extracurricular activities that could distract from spiritual pursuits. No team sports. You can only have certain jobs. You don't think about things like furthered education, college. The I in the bike model stands for informational control. Control as witnesses tightly control the flow of information to members, discouraging independent research and framing anything that comes from outside of the organization as untrustworthy or even dangerous.

00;14;45;04 - 00;15;04;19
Unknown
Members are instructed to rely solely on the organization's literature, which are presented as God's sole channel of truth. Being critical of or questioning the organization's teachings are equated with spiritual rebellion and oftentimes met with punishment.

00;15;04;22 - 00;15;32;13
Unknown
The T in the bike model thought control. The thing that has and continues to leave people like me just so distraught for years and years and years. The organization shapes its members thinking through an us versus them mentality, portraying anyone who is outside of the organization as being under Satan's control, which creates a deep distrust of outsiders. Even family members.

00;15;32;15 - 00;16;08;20
Unknown
Any disagreements with the self-proclaimed representatives of God that run the congregations are equated with questioning God himself and there's no personal interpretation or analysis of any doctrine. You're expected to accept organizational teachings even when they change, even when they're wrong, without question. Finally, the E and the bite model emotional control. Jehovah's witnesses leverage guilt, fear, and shame to maintain emotional control over their members.

00;16;08;23 - 00;16;41;04
Unknown
Fear of being viewed as spiritually weak pressures individuals to conform to the organization's high demands, and members are made to feel guilty or like outcast if they're not meeting certain evangelistic quotas. Those are the definitions from the Bite model, and these do a great job at defining the cults. I mean, every single one of these is spot on and accurate, but these surface definitions will never be able to convey what truly happens within within that religion or how it impacts people.

00;16;41;06 - 00;17;08;16
Unknown
But I can articulate it. For me, it meant that every moment of my life from three years old was controlled. It meant that for the most important and formative years of my life, nothing mattered but my service to God meant that I was forced to sacrifice every bit of normalcy to devote my life to the religion. It meant that I did not celebrate birthdays or holidays.

00;17;08;18 - 00;17;31;28
Unknown
I did not play sports. I did not pursue extracurricular activities or aspired to a good job or further education. It also meant that I wasn't supposed to get too close to my family members who weren't part of the religion. That might have been an easy thing if my family was small, or if they all lived hundreds of miles away, but my mom was one of 13 children.

00;17;32;00 - 00;18;01;07
Unknown
My family is huge and they all lived very close. In fact, they all attended their Baptist church less than a block away from my house. Which meant that every Sunday morning, every Wednesday night, I could see them from my bedroom window. I could see them having lunch and gathering at my grandmother's house two doors down after church. I was allowed to see them occasionally, and I was always reminded that they were a part of the world.

00;18;01;09 - 00;18;23;16
Unknown
Not good association simply because they weren't Jehovah's Witnesses. And that meant that while I could be around them for a while, they could never be a deep and meaningful part of my life. Religion controlled every facet of my life for so long, from how I dressed to the type of hair I had, to the type of car I drove.

00;18;23;19 - 00;18;50;13
Unknown
Everything I listened to, experienced, connected with. But because of the amount of control and immersion the religion requires, these were things to be expected. They were necessary sacrifices to gain God's love and approval. It was sad, disconnecting and isolating in so many ways. But at the same time, when you're a part of a cult, you're almost immune to that pain because of what you do receive.

00;18;50;15 - 00;19;15;29
Unknown
The people within the religion became my real family. My real friends. Always praising me. Always uplifting. Always talking about what an amazing example I was being raised in the truth. Being baptized at ten years old. Spending 40 to 60 hours a month for years, going door to door to teach others public speaking in front of crowds of hundreds, sometimes thousands.

00;19;16;02 - 00;19;45;09
Unknown
I was always studying. Always prepared for meetings. Always a participant. Always moving up the congregational ranks. Even when I didn't want to. The hope that that religion offered drove me forward. My father died when I was 11, and as a Jehovah's Witness, the teaching isn't heaven or hell. It's Paradise on earth. Heaven for a select few or simply nonexistence for nonbelievers.

00;19;45;11 - 00;20;06;20
Unknown
As a child, it was so meaningful to me that Paradise offered the hope that my father, the friends I had lost, family I had lost, could be resurrected, could exist again here on earth, could be healed and be eternal. But I could spend the rest of my life in perfection with them, never having to worry about them being taken from me again.

00;20;06;22 - 00;20;32;09
Unknown
The control that hope had on me, and still does on so many levels, has been so hard to let go of, so difficult to distance from. To make the decision to not be a witness meant that hope was lost and that I wouldn't be there in Paradise, even if they were. Looking back, that is such a pathetic and cold hearted teaching to force on anyone.

00;20;32;12 - 00;20;56;18
Unknown
After being baptized, it was like I made an agreement to conform to all of the rules and if I didn't, then I would be disfellowshipped. For those of you who are unfamiliar, disfellowshipped in simple terms is when the congregation removes a member, when they're seen as breaking the rules of the religion and not showing proper repentance. It's essentially a form of excommunication.

00;20;56;20 - 00;21;30;04
Unknown
Immediately when someone is disfellowshipped, they're cut off socially and spiritually from the group, other members, everyone in the religion worldwide, including close family and friends within the religion, are expected to stop speaking to or associating with that person, even in everyday situations. And that's what happened to me at a very young age for having sex before marriage. I fell in love with the most beautiful, creative, kindhearted and vibrant person that I had ever met.

00;21;30;06 - 00;21;59;19
Unknown
We slept together and I did not regret it. And as tumultuous as our relationship ended up being after, I never have and never will regret her, when her parents and my mother found out that we were sleeping together, we were forced into a meeting with the elders who were considered the decision makers. Judges of the congregation. And ultimately the decision was made that because we were unrepentant, we could no longer be a part of the organization.

00;21;59;22 - 00;22;24;29
Unknown
I will never forget that moment. And I had to sit through it, and I remember it plain as day where I was sitting, who gave the announcement in front of everyone I knew and the lifelong damage that it caused, the eternal fear of abandonment that it created. The moment that announcement was made, Daron Bowman is no longer a Jehovah's Witness.

00;22;25;02 - 00;23;02;13
Unknown
I lost everyone that I cared about in that moment. The people who had always loved me, praised me, supported me, uplifted me. The people who always promised to be there for me, my family instantly stopped acknowledging my existence. They stopped speaking to me, stopped looking at me, stopped everything. No calls, no text, no visits, no association, nothing. Simply because I made the decision to have a human experience with a woman I loved.

00;23;02;15 - 00;23;31;10
Unknown
And I was not sorry about it. Being disfellowshipped meant that even at home, my mother was to distance from me, and she did until the day I moved out. The day I turned 18. And I don't think I'll ever be able to explain the feeling of worthlessness that that created to see her devotion to that religion be deeper than her love for me ever could be.

00;23;31;13 - 00;24;06;29
Unknown
The pain from being disfellowshipped is not just pain from the immediate loss of community, or the sudden silence from the people who once meant everything to you. It's the deep, internalized sense of worthlessness that takes root when you're cut off from your family, the people you've been taught to love and trust unconditionally. It feels like being erased. That pain of abandonment is compounded by the constant reminder that you're no longer welcome, that your existence is somehow less valid, less worthy.

00;24;07;01 - 00;24;34;19
Unknown
And when you add that to the culture of internal surveillance and judgment that was instilled in me, where every move, every thought was scrutinized and reported, it creates a kind of self-censorship and judgment that lingers for years. I mean, even now, I still catch myself second guessing my own feelings and choices, as if I'm waiting for someone to tell me that I'm good enough or that it's okay.

00;24;34;22 - 00;25;04;23
Unknown
An experience taught me two powerful lessons. It taught me that some connections are not real connections, but some love truly is conditional. It also taught me that being in love and unrepentant that my actions with the woman who would later become my wife, or looked down upon more than the actions of the individual who sexually abused me and several others, but who said sorry and was forgiven.

00;25;04;25 - 00;25;33;14
Unknown
I was sexually abused by a man named James Lingam. He was a member of multiple congregations throughout his life and while I've been kind and protecting his name in the past, there won't be no anonymity in this episode. And there will be no fear, kindness, and protecting his identity because life has taught me that truly repentant people will apologize for the fucked up things they've done and mean it.

00;25;33;16 - 00;26;05;26
Unknown
And while his apologies flowed endlessly to the elders in the congregation after he was caught, his actions never changed and none of his victims ever received. And I'm sorry. Being a Jehovah's Witness creates a mindset that if something wrong is happening to you, it's deserved when it's happening due to a lack of faith or disconnect in your spirituality that creates such a fear of loss and punishment that many of the worst things in the world are never spoken of.

00;26;05;28 - 00;26;33;11
Unknown
Further situations that could damage the public reputation of the congregation are dealt with internally, as the court systems are viewed as worldly entities, and it's God's judgment or forgiveness that should be prioritized. What this actually means is that rapists, sexual abusers, and criminals within that organization aren't reported to the proper authorities because of how it'll make the congregation look.

00;26;33;13 - 00;27;07;19
Unknown
And so instead, these instances are documented, tucked away in a folder and dealt with by those in a leadership position within the congregation who are completely unqualified, normal human beings from the ages of 13 to 15. I was sexually abused repeatedly, and I'll never forget the first time you brought me to his house. We played darts. I was barely a fucking teenager, but I took my first shot of alcohol that night.

00;27;07;21 - 00;27;39;17
Unknown
He offered me Bacardi 151. My first shot turned into several, and though several shots turned into me being unconscious, the rest of that night was mostly a blur. But the brief moments of awareness are moments that I will never forget. I honestly could have died that night from alcohol poisoning, and he could have cared less because his intentions for that night and several other nights weren't about being considerate to me at all.

00;27;39;20 - 00;28;00;19
Unknown
That night he undressed me and put me in the shower to try to help sober me up so that his parents wouldn't find out, so he didn't have to take me to the hospital and wouldn't get in trouble. And afterwards he brought me to his bed, and even when I regained consciousness, I didn't speak. I didn't move. I didn't fight because it had to be my fault.

00;28;00;26 - 00;28;28;27
Unknown
Right? And this had to be punishment for my lack of spirituality. This had to be because I wasn't truly devoting myself completely to God. I also knew that if I told anyone I would get in trouble, I would be judged. I would have to go to countless meetings with people I did not want to talk to. And ultimately, I would lose the hope of that Paradise and of seeing the people that I loved again.

00;28;29;00 - 00;29;00;18
Unknown
The next time and the next time around the time after and the time after. I wasn't drunk at a certain point, even though I hated it. It's like I almost allowed it, because pretending to be asleep for a little while and getting through that experience, accepting that my punishment was deserved in so many ways, the physical abuse from those experiences felt less painful than being at home and feeling unloved.

00;29;00;20 - 00;29;26;27
Unknown
Eventually, someone else spoke up. I imagine they weren't the first or the last. Eventually I spoke up and nothing happened because he was sorry and he was deemed repentant. In reality, he was only sorry for being caught, but he was allowed to stay in the congregation. He wasn't disfellowshipped like I was. He was allowed to continue to destroy lives and take advantage of others.

00;29;27;00 - 00;29;56;05
Unknown
The result of the mental and emotional impact that had on me. For someone who was considered a friend, someone respected and trusted by others to take advantage of me in such a horrifying way left scars that I didn't even begin to understand until years later. It wasn't just the act itself, it's the way it changed how I saw myself, how I saw others, how I moved through the world.

00;29;56;07 - 00;30;25;12
Unknown
It planted a deep sense of objectification in me, and this belief that my worth was tied to what I could give to others, what I could endure, or how useful I could be to someone else. And I carried that belief into every part of my life for so long. I convinced myself that people only kept me around because I had something they needed because I was giving, sacrificing, or diminishing myself to meet their expectations.

00;30;25;15 - 00;31;01;02
Unknown
And that belief was suffocating. It made it impossible to trust anyone fully. That made me see every interaction as a transaction, and it whispered in my ear nonstop that everyone around me would eventually want something, and that if I couldn't provide that, I would be discarded. I'm finally learning now that none of that was true. The damage that was inflicted on me, the way I was stripped of my trust and innocence, wasn't a reflection of my value.

00;31;01;04 - 00;31;26;21
Unknown
It was a reflection of his own brokenness and his own monstrous choices. And while I may never forgive him for what he did, I refuse to let his actions define how I see myself anymore. I'm not an object. I'm not just what I can give to others. My worth isn't something that depends on anyone else's validation or approval.

00;31;26;24 - 00;31;49;06
Unknown
For the first time in my life, I'm learning to value myself for who I am, not just for what I can offer. And that's how I'm finding peace. Not by erasing the pain, not by forgetting, but by reclaiming my sense of self. It's a slow process, and some days the old feelings creep back in. The mistrust, the doubt.

00;31;49;13 - 00;32;14;12
Unknown
The fear that I'll never be more than what others want from me. But I'm fighting those thoughts with love and love for myself. Love for the person I'm becoming. Love for the new communities that I'm becoming a part of the people around me. And that love is stronger than the hate I carried for so long. It's not easy, but it is worth it.

00;32;14;14 - 00;32;40;23
Unknown
For anyone listening who's felt the same, who's been taken advantage of, who has carried the weight of someone else's actions on their shoulders. I want you to know that you were more than what happened to you. You were not defined by someone else's brokenness, and you were not responsible for anyone else's choices. You were deserving of love, respect, and trust.

00;32;40;29 - 00;33;10;12
Unknown
Starting with yourself. I've lived with so much hate and anger in my heart for so long. Hate for that religion, for what happened to me. Honestly, hate for my mother. For everyone who abandoned me. And while it is hard to forgive, I have found forgiveness or at least peace with everything else. At the start of this episode, I mentioned that now is the time to share this.

00;33;10;12 - 00;33;34;17
Unknown
The real time for me to let all of this out beyond my desire to move forward confidently in life. I know it's time because I have finally found this calm. I'm now at the age my mother was when she made the decision to become a Jehovah's Witness. The decision that changed everything for both of us. It's one of the most painful things in life to be without those parents.

00;33;34;20 - 00;34;07;11
Unknown
My father deceased, my mother intentionally. Not a part of my life. It's even more painful now that I'm back home in Kentucky to be 30 minutes or so away from her, knowing that it does not matter. While I have hated her and resented her, while I've never been able to understand her choice, I am finally starting to. I realize that we are all just doing what we think is best for ourselves, and that's all life is.

00;34;07;14 - 00;34;33;19
Unknown
At this age, I understand there's no magical adult wisdom that's bestowed upon us. There aren't blueprints that we suddenly become aware of and can follow to achieve a positive result in life. That fear, anxiety, uncertainty don't ever disappear. I've spent a significant portion of my life wondering how my mother could make the decision to choose a cult over me.

00;34;33;21 - 00;35;02;24
Unknown
I don't wonder anymore. I just accept it. And while there is still a part of me that disagrees with her decision, I realize now that her life choices are not mine to question. Maybe I haven't received the love I wish I had from her, but it doesn't mean that love doesn't exist. In my heart, I do believe that she cares, and that sacrificing a relationship with me is probably one of the hardest things she's ever done.

00;35;02;26 - 00;35;31;02
Unknown
But her devotion, her spirituality, her hope takes precedence. And whether I agree with it or not, despite the fact that it's incredibly painful to me, I respect having that much faith and that much belief in something. To want something so bad for yourself that you're willing to sacrifice everything and everyone in the pursuit of your dream.

00;35;31;05 - 00;36;07;17
Unknown
When I left the Jehovah's Witness cult over a decade ago, I thought I was free. I thought leaving behind the rules, the fear, the constant sense of judgment would automatically lead to a better life. What I didn't realize was that leaving something so all consuming doesn't automatically replace it with clarity or direction. What I didn't understand, and I'm just now learning, is that there's a very big difference between being truly free for simply being untethered from an experience.

00;36;07;19 - 00;36;32;23
Unknown
For the past 13 years or so, I've been floating. I have lived my life without real intention. Not because I didn't want something better for myself, but because I didn't even know what better looked like. I didn't know how to set goals for myself that weren't rooted in someone else's approval. I didn't know how to want something just because I wanted it.

00;36;32;25 - 00;37;09;07
Unknown
So I've just existed. I've turned to alcohol. I've turned to drugs, to physical connection, to anything that could numb me or disconnect me from being present, from feeling like myself. I've moved through life, taking opportunities as they've come. Meeting people and building relationships. But without a true sense of purpose or direction. My entire life has been living in survival mode and reacting to life instead of creating it.

00;37;09;09 - 00;37;32;17
Unknown
I mean, even most of you know me as a designer for my work, or perhaps just from this podcast. And even when I stepped into the world of design for the first time, it was because I was drawn to its beauty, its ability to tell stories the way that it could connect people. I love the idea of creating something meaningful, something lasting, something that could leave an impact.

00;37;32;19 - 00;37;57;20
Unknown
But if I'm being honest, even my journey in design hasn't been as intentional as I'd like to say it was. Just like in the other parts of my life, I've spent so much time floating, following what others said was the right way to do things instead of just listening to my own voice. From the start, I felt like such an imposter in this field.

00;37;57;23 - 00;38;19;23
Unknown
Not because I don't have the talent or the skills, but because I've let my lack of self-worth convince me that everyone else knows better than I do. And because of that, I've latched on to every piece of advice, every method, every framework thinking. If they say if this is how it's done, then this must be the only way.

00;38;19;26 - 00;38;43;10
Unknown
And every time I couldn't measure up to those standards, or whenever my instincts told me to do things differently, it felt like I didn't belong. I was just doing things wrong that I was destined to fail. And it hasn't even just been about the design principles or techniques that I've encountered. It's been about the narratives that people create, about what success in a better life looks like.

00;38;43;12 - 00;39;09;04
Unknown
Some of them preaching that you can only be great as a designer or at anything in life if you dedicate yourself to a completely sober, pure distraction free lifestyle. I felt guilty for not fitting that mold, for enjoying a casual drink or unwinding in ways that some would say aren't right. Other designers swear by strict processes and rigid systems, or a particular esthetic.

00;39;09;07 - 00;39;36;08
Unknown
I've caught myself stripping away parts of myself and my creativity just to fit those molds. That's never been fulfilling. I've spent so much time thinking, if this is what they say success looks like, then maybe I need to change who I am to fit in. Maybe I need to silence the parts of me that don't align with their narratives and what they're saying.

00;39;36;10 - 00;40;04;10
Unknown
And in doing so, I have lost sight of what makes me me. The irony is that design supposed to be about authenticity and connection, but I've been afraid to let my own authenticity shine through because I've been so focused on following other people's rules that I've forgotten how to trust myself. What I've come to realize finally, is that there isn't one right way to be a designer.

00;40;04;13 - 00;40;29;24
Unknown
There isn't one right way to be successful. There isn't one right way to be a person. Success isn't about living up to anyone else's standards. It's about showing up as your full, unapologetic self. The parts of me that I've been hiding or trying to change. Those are the parts that make my work, my story, and my connections real.

00;40;29;26 - 00;41;03;14
Unknown
Those are the parts that make me unique, and they don't need to fit into anyone else's box to matter. Honestly, the biggest saving grace in my life, the only reason I haven't completely derailed my life or completely given up, is that my intentions have always been kind. Even when I wasn't trying, even when I wasn't paying attention. Even as I've been drifting aimlessly, I've always tried to lead with kindness.

00;41;03;16 - 00;41;40;07
Unknown
And for majority of my life, that's brought me kindness in return. The relationships I've built, the opportunities I've stumbled into, the experiences they've all been rooted in, something good. But as much as I appreciate where kindness has brought me, it's not enough. Because living without intention, no matter how kind your heart is, will never lead you to the things you're truly deserving of that won't lead you to the life you've dreamed of, the goals you've kept buried deep down for the person you're meant to become.

00;41;40;09 - 00;42;15;07
Unknown
The hard truths I've had to face is that kindness on its own only goes so far when it isn't paired with honesty. Honesty with yourself about who you are, what you want, and what you need. Kindness can only take you halfway without intention and self-worth to ground it. Even the kindest heart can create pain because when you don't truly value yourself, it's easy for anger, fear, and insecurity to creep in.

00;42;15;10 - 00;42;52;02
Unknown
It's easy to let those emotions twist your actions, to respond to others in ways that hurt them, even when that's the last thing you want to do. As a result of living without intent, I've hurt so many people. I have destroyed meaningful relationships. I've given up on things that I've loved dearly. And every time something bad happens. I run to my past for an excuse because it's easier to blame what's behind me than to take responsibility for what's in front of me.

00;42;52;05 - 00;43;18;01
Unknown
Life has continually reminded me that when you don't value yourself, when you don't truly believe that you are worthy of love and happiness, when you're not confident in who you are, you end up depending on others to make you feel whole. You hand over your happiness, your pride, your sense of value and expect someone else to carry it for you.

00;43;18;03 - 00;43;48;04
Unknown
That's not their job. No one else was responsible for saving you. No one else can fill the void inside that only self-love and self-respect can. And when you don't understand that, you end up expecting too much from people. You expect their love to heal wounds they didn't cause. You expect their support to fix things that you haven't even been willing to face yourself.

00;43;48;06 - 00;44;21;09
Unknown
And love. Care. Support. Those things are beautiful. They are necessary, but they're also a choice. And when someone feels like they're responsible for keeping you afloat every single day, it's exhausting. It's draining to always be the one saving someone else when they don't care about saving themselves. And that kind of relationship is damaging to everyone involved. A lack of self-worth will always ultimately lead to unhappy situations.

00;44;21;12 - 00;44;54;07
Unknown
Settling for less than you deserve because you don't believe you deserve better. Or maybe ignoring something perfect for you that's right there in front of you because you feel unworthy. A lack of self-worth makes you hold on to relationships that aren't serving you, that aren't fulfilling you because you're terrified of being alone or being honest. That makes you diminish yourself less in yourself just to fit into someone else's world, because you don't believe your own world is enough.

00;44;54;10 - 00;45;25;11
Unknown
And in my case, I can honestly say that my lack of self-worth has destroyed every single one of my relationships in irreparable ways, with people who deserved so much more kindness and understanding. I leaned too heavily on people who were just trying to love me, or just trying to care for me. I made them responsible for things they couldn't fix, that they were not responsible for fixing.

00;45;25;13 - 00;45;49;08
Unknown
And instead of being honest about who I was, about what I needed. I put it all on them. I expected them to carry my pain, my insecurity, my fear. And no one can carry that for you forever. My life up until now could have been different and it should have been different. But it's okay that it hasn't been.

00;45;49;11 - 00;46;17;27
Unknown
If I've been honest with myself. If I'd been moving through life with intent, those relationships, friendships, opportunities might have had a chance. But moving without intent, without purpose has only led to situations ships drifting into connections without asking myself if they're real, if they're right, if they're what I need. If they're a choice. And even that lack of intention is harmful.

00;46;18;03 - 00;46;42;22
Unknown
On a personal level, it's draining to always be surrounded by people that you didn't intentionally choose. Just because you think some love is better than no love at all. And that's not true. Some love is not better than no love. Not when it comes at the cost of yourself. Not when it means diminishing everything about you just to fit into someone else's narrative.

00;46;42;25 - 00;47;16;18
Unknown
Not when it means staying small so everyone around you can feel big. And yet I have done that over and over again. Throughout my life, I've stayed in places I didn't belong in, relationships that didn't fulfill me because I was afraid. Afraid that if I let go, I wouldn't find anything better. I would never be loved again. What I'm finally learning is that you can't build a healthy relationship of any kind on a broken foundation.

00;47;16;20 - 00;47;49;06
Unknown
You can't expect someone else to love you. If you can't love yourself. And you can't blame them when it all falls apart. If you are the problem, love isn't about finding someone to save you. It's about building something together, something strong and real and lasting. And that starts with you. It starts with valuing yourself, with knowing your worth, with being intentional about the life you're creating and the people you're letting into it.

00;47;49;08 - 00;48;19;10
Unknown
I am done floating through life. I'm done settling for less. I'm done blaming others for the weight that I've asked them to carry. From now on, I am choosing my life. I'm choosing absolute honesty. Even when it's difficult, painful. I'm choosing to love myself so that I can finally give and receive the kind of love that's real. The kind of love that's worth holding on to.

00;48;19;12 - 00;48;44;29
Unknown
Because I deserve it. And so do you. Intention is the key. Intention gives you the courage to say, this is what I want. And this is how I'll get it. It allows you to take responsibility for your life, not just for the things that have gone wrong, but for all of the beautiful, amazing, kind things that could go right.

00;48;45;01 - 00;49;15;21
Unknown
Intention turns hope into action, turns dreams into plans. I've spent so much of my life afraid to be intentional because being intentional means taking risks. It means being vulnerable. That means acknowledging that I deserve more than just what life hands me. It also means facing the possibility of judgment, criticism, failure. But the truth is, floating through life isn't safe either.

00;49;15;24 - 00;49;47;20
Unknown
You're still risking your happiness, your fulfillment, and your potential. The difference is when you float, you give up control. When you move forward with intent. You take that control back. So as I move into 2025, I'm making a commitment to something greater. I'm committing to living with intention, not just in fleeting moments, but in every aspect of my life, whether it's my relationships, my work, or my personal growth.

00;49;47;22 - 00;50;23;02
Unknown
I'm choosing to show up fully, to embrace clarity and my purpose. Confidence in my path and grace in how I approach everything and everyone, including myself. Clarity means knowing what I truly want, not what others expect of me, not what I've been told I should want, but what I need to feel alive and fulfilled. It's about cutting through the noise, the fear and the self-doubt to find out what truly matters to me.

00;50;23;05 - 00;50;51;08
Unknown
Confidence means trusting that I can create it, not because it will be easy, but because I've survived everything life has thrown at me so far and will continue to do so. I've fallen, I've failed, but I've also risen every single time. I've always chosen to try again and grace. Grace is the permission I'm giving myself to get it wrong.

00;50;51;08 - 00;51;20;08
Unknown
Sometimes. To stumble, to struggle and still show myself kindness. To allow myself to grow at my own pace and to forgive myself for not having it all figured out because no one does. While the pain of the past will always be a part of my story, it no longer defines me. I'm no longer the child who was judged and mistreated and abandoned.

00;51;20;10 - 00;51;53;21
Unknown
I'm the adult who was choosing to love and rebuild. And slowly but surely, I'm learning to see myself as someone worthy of love, respect, kindness, and comfort. This is the energy I'm carrying into the next chapter of my life. The belief that I deserve more than survival. But I deserve joy. Purpose and connection. And I want to invite every single one of you to step into that belief too, if you're not already living it.

00;51;53;23 - 00;52;26;09
Unknown
If you're listening to this and feeling like you've been stuck, unsure, or held back by your past, or even by recent experiences, I just want you to know that it's okay. It's okay to not get it right. It's okay to feel lost. It's okay to not have all of the answers, but it's not okay to stop trying. Because every moment, every decision is an opportunity to move forward, to take responsibility for your life.

00;52;26;10 - 00;52;59;16
Unknown
Not out of shame or guilt, but out of love for yourself and your unlimited potential for. I can honestly say that when you step into your power in your life with intent, things will change faster than you ever could have imagined. I'm just now starting to fully embrace this journey, and I can say the last few months have been full of more love, honesty, growth, connection, and support than I've ever felt before in my life.

00;52;59;18 - 00;53;16;16
Unknown
A happy life is possible. You just need to decide that you're worth it. That your happiness, your growth and your dreams are worth the effort. And trust me, they are because you are.

00;53;16;18 - 00;53;46;16
Unknown
So this year, moving into the next year, let's stop looking back with regret or blaming our past for the present. Let's stop waiting for permission to live the lives we've always wanted. Instead, let's move forward with clarity about what matters. With confidence in our ability to create it, and with grace for ourselves and others along the way, it won't be easy.

00;53;46;18 - 00;54;17;29
Unknown
Change never is. It's possible. And it's worth it. Because a life lived with intention isn't just a better life. It's your life finally lived the way it was meant to be. Let's make 2025 the year we show up. The year we embrace clarity, confidence and grace. The year we rewrite our stories on our own terms, with purpose and intention.

00;54;18;02 - 00;54;41;11
Unknown
You're not alone in this. I'm with you. I see you. I feel you and I believe in you. You are deserving of the best life possible. All the happiness and love and freedom that comes with it. Work for it and claim it because it belongs to you.